Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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