When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
