My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize