I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
