i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
