i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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