Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
