you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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