So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
