True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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