Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
my phone needs a breathalizer
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
