yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
