alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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