a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
