Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
