my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
