Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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