You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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