I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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