Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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