I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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