Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
