I swear to god he's a one man village people.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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