If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
