I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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