last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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