Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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