Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
