I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
