mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
