theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize