I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
