He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
