Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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