allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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