Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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