im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
