I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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