i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I checked into jail on foursquare
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
