WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I did not marry a roomba.
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