I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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