my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
