I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
