I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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