toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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