I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
