I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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