i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
