I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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