Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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