Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
