where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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