Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I will die if light touches me.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
