I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
