you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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