I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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